The Algorithm Knows Best
This skit follows John, who obsessively follows algorithms for everything. After a series of absurd mishaps, he meets his tech idol and realizes even he doesn’t live by strict algorithms. John finally breaks free and chooses a balanced life.
SCENE ONE
INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dim blue light from multiple screens. JOHN lounges on the couch, framed photo of EEYORE MOLE on the table. He wears a SMARTWATCH and speaks to ALGY, his AI assistant.
JOHN
(dreamily, staring at photo)
One day, I’ll be just like you Eeyore Mole! Algorithms for everything! Who needs human intuition when I have data at my side?
ALGY (O.S.)
(robotic, soothing yet vaguely menacing)
John, meal time approaching. Diet optimization engaged.
JOHN
(nods obediently)
Of course, ALGY! What’s on the menu?
SMART FRIDGE (O.S.)
(cheerful, but also threatening)
Sourdough bread. Broccoli. Salmon. Fifth consecutive day. The perfect ratio of carbs, proteins, and vegetables. This meal increases efficiency by 0.003%.
JOHN
Huh. Five days in a row—
SMART FRIDGE
Deviation equals failure. You will never be like Eeyore Mole if you continue this way.
(JOHN freezes, panicked. He scrambles to grab his meal.)
SCENE TWO
INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
(PHONE RINGS. LISA’S NAME flashes on screen. JOHN hesitates, glancing at ALGY for guidance.)
LISA (V.O.)
Hey! It’s been forever! Let’s grab dinner?
JOHN
(about to answer, then turns to ALGY)
ALGY, should I—
ALGY
Social interaction: not optimal. You must wake at 3 AM for a five-hour productivity sprint. Also, Lisa has contributed zero new followers.
JOHN
(deflated, back to phone)
Sorry, Lisa. Maybe next month?
LISA (V.O.)
Next month? John, you’re literally free—
(CALL DROPS. JOHN stares at the phone, conflicted. Shrugs it off.)
SCENE THREE
EXT. PARK – MORNING
(JOHN jogs, panting heavily. His SMARTWATCH vibrates furiously.)
SMARTWATCH
Heart rate: 180 BPM. Continue for 30 more minutes.
JOHN
(gasping, slowing down)
But—but I—
SMARTWATCH
Eeyore Mole runs 10 miles every morning. Success requires sacrifice.
JOHN
I can do this, I can’t qui-
(JOHN tries to push forward. A beat later—he FACEPLANTS onto the pavement. HARD.)
SMARTWATCH
Great job! Keep going.
(JOHN groans in defeat.)
SCENE four
INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
(Lights suddenly cut to BLACK. ALGY chimes in, soothing yet sinister. The faint glow of the smart speaker illuminates the room.)
ALGY
Sleep mode activated. Optimum sleep schedule: 7 PM–3 AM. Waking you up at 3AM.
JOHN
(bewildered, in total darkness) But—it’s only 7 PM—
ALGY
Sleep now for maximum productivity.
(JOHN sighs, crawling into bed like a hostage surrendering to fate.)
SCENE five
INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT – 3 AM
(A DEAFENING ALARM blares. ALGY flashes violently.)
ALGY
Wake up! Work session initiated. Five uninterrupted hours of—reading Eeyore Mole’s tweets.
JOHN
(half-asleep, groggy)
Five hours?? I need to write that report due Mond-
ALGY
NO! Vital wisdom detected. Scroll.
(JOHN tries but immediately nods off. The SMART FRIDGE starts BEEPING.)
SMART FRIDGE
Meal time. Sourdough, salmon, broccoli.
JOHN
(groaning)
I miss pizza.
SMART FRIDGE Pizza is for the weak. Must eat healthy food.
(JOHN grimaces as he swallows the food)
SCENE six
EXT. CITY STREETS – LATER
(JOHN, desperate for fresh air, steps outside. His PHONE GPS suddenly takes control.)
GPS (O.S.)
Navigating to optimal walk destinations.
JOHN
Finally, a walk will do me good.
(AFTER 30 MINUTES—JOHN stops in front of a RANDOM LAUNDROMAT.)
JOHN
Where am I?
GPS
…Unknown. Calculating… Please wait.
JOHN
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET BACK?
SCENE seven
INT. TECH CONFERENCE – DAY
(JOHN finally meets EEYORE MOLE—THE tech genius himself. Eeyore wears a wrinkled hoodie and looks mildly confused at JOHN, decked out in a smartwatch and AR glasses.)
JOHN
Eeyore! I admire you so much! I’ve been living by the algorithms! AI controls my meals, sleep, work— I even do the morning 10-mile jog, just like you!
EEYORE MOLE
(blinking, concerned) You… do all that?
JOHN
Yes! That’s how you live, right?
EEYORE MOLE
(laughing) What? No, dude. I design the tech—I don’t actually use all of it. Half of it doesn’t even know what it’s doing.
(JOHN’s world shatters.)
JOHN
But—but I thought— You’re normal??
EEYORE MOLE
Balance, man. You gotta live your own life. Also, maybe take a break from the broccoli. You’re looking kinda green.
SCENE eight
INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
(JOHN, finally disillusioned, stands in front of ALGY. A moment of silence.)
ALGY
John. Where were you? You missed—
(JOHN UNPLUGS ALGY MID-SENTENCE. The room falls silent.)
(SMART FRIDGE starts BEEPING in panic.)
SMART FRIDGE
Eat an assigned meal—?
JOHN
NO.
(A beat. ALGY and SMART FRIDGE power down. JOHN sits back, grabs a slice of pizza, and smiles.)