Cybersecurity: The Unhackable System
This skit follows Jake, a hacker stumped by paper records. Unable to hack physical files, he and his assistant Mia are defeated by old-school security. The skit humorously shows how analog systems outsmart modern cybercrime.
SCENE ONE
INT. HACKER DEN – NIGHT
(Dimly lit room. Multiple monitors glow, lines of code scroll rapidly. The click-clack of keys fills the air. JAKE, a cocky hacker, leans in, laser-focused. Across from him, MIA, his sharp-witted assistant, sips coffee, unimpressed.)
JAKE
(grinning, typing fast)
Almost there. These government guys should really level up their security. I’ve hacked into way tougher systems.
MIA
(raises an eyebrow, unimpressed)
Uh-huh. You sure? It’s, you know… a government.
JAKE
Pssh. Child’s play. They think they’re Fort Knox, but in three, two, one—
(JAKE hits ENTER. His screen flashes red. The error message blinks aggressively:)
“NO DIGITAL FILES FOUND.”
(Silence. JAKE stares.)
JAKE
What the—?
MIA
(leans in, smirking) Did you just hack your way into… nothing?
JAKE
(clicking wildly, muttering)
That’s not possible. Where’s all the data?
MIA
(mock sympathy)
Oh no… what if they… went old school?
JAKE
What, like… filing cabinets?
(MIA taps the keyboard, pulling up CCTV footage. A GOVERNMENT OFFICE APPEARS—floor-to-ceiling filing cabinets.)
MIA
Welp. You’re not far off.
JAKE
(staring, horrified)
Paper? Paper?! I can hack the Pentagon, but I can’t break into a glorified storage closet?
MIA
(grinning)
Yep. Good luck hacking that.
(Beat. JAKE cracks his knuckles.)
JAKE
Alright. Looks like we’re going old school.
MIA
(blinks)
We’re doing what?
(SMASH CUT TO:)
SCENE TWO
EXT. GOVERNMENT ARCHIVES – NIGHT
(A dull gray building. A sign above the entrance reads: NATIONAL ARCHIVES – AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY. JAKE and MIA approach. An elderly ARCHIVIST, MR. HOWARD, stands at the entrance, peering over thick glasses. He looks like he’s seen it all.)
JAKE
(confident, flashing a fake badge) Good evening, sir. We’re here on official business.
MR. HOWARD
(raising an eyebrow, unimpressed)
Official, huh? Got an appointment?
MIA
(quickly, flashing a smile)
Uh, well, we… forgot to schedule it. But we’ve got clearance!
*(MIA flashes badge. It reads: “Definitely a Real ID.”)
MR. HOWARD
(deadpan, not even looking at it)
Right. Well, clearance or not—no one gets in without the proper paperwork.
JAKE
(muttering to MIA, rolling eyes)
Of course. More paperwork.
MR. HOWARD
You want records? It’s all in here. You got hands? You can look.
(JAKE peeks behind him—walls of filing cabinets stretch infinitely. He shudders.)
JAKE
But that would take forever. Wouldn’t a computer be so much easier?
MR. HOWARD
Exactly how other governments get hacked.
(JAKE stares. Speechless. MR. HOWARD grins, victorious.)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. Enter MS. CLARK, a no-nonsense government official. She sizes them up.)
MS. CLARK
Mr. Howard, is there a problem?
MR. HOWARD
These two want archive access—no paperwork.
(MS. CLARK turns to JAKE and MIA. Her expression does not invite debate.)
MS. CLARK
You realize how secure this facility is? All classified documents—on paper, in person, under supervision.
JAKE
(under breath, grumbling)
That’s… one way to beat cybercrime.
MS. CLARK
Exactly. Digital systems? Too easy to hack. No digital trace means no breach.
(She hands them a thick stack of request forms.)
MS. CLARK
Now, if you’re serious, fill out these forms… in triplicate. By hand.
(Beat. JAKE and MIA exchange a look of horror.)
SCENE THREE
EXT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING – LATER
(JAKE and MIA exit, utterly defeated. JAKE clutches the forms, shell-shocked.)
MIA
(mocking, smirking)
You have to admit—it’s kinda genius. The data’s all there… but no one can get to it.
JAKE
(resigned, sighing)
Never thought my biggest enemy would be… paper.
MIA
(grinning)
Looks like you can’t hack everything.
(Beat. JAKE stares at the forms in his hands. A slow, painful realization.)
JAKE
Next time, I’m bringing a typewriter.
(Beat. MIA bursts into laughter as they walk off. JAKE mutters under his breath.)
FADE TO BLACK.